A Doxology in Darkness – Chapter 5 – Needing

Sharon July 16th, 2008

The next catastrophic blow to my belief system arrived on January 19th.

Oddly, for such a life-altering epiphany, it padded in on unspeakably soft feet. In fact, had the Holy Spirit not taken it upon Himself to underline it quietly, I may very well have overlooked it entirely.

Once again missing Tom terribly, searching frantically for an escape from the pain, I cried out to Him, asking if there was any way Tom and I would ever be reunited.

"Lord, is it ever fixable?"

Once again, in His quiet and undeniably succinct way, the Lord said:

"You have got to get to the place where you don't need this to work out, Child. You have got to get to the place where all you want is Me. Nothing can be accomplished until you do."

I sat and read it again, noticing that as I had written down what I was hearing the Lord say, I had underlined the word need without even thinking about it. My mind went back to the first session I had had with Ruth, way back in November. I recalled her saying, at least once, that she was hearing Jesus say, "Need is driving the train. Need is driving the train."

At the time she said that, I had been awash in so many other emotions, with so much other healing taking place, that I had not separated out that phrase from all the other information. I just took it as part of the overall picture. Of course I had need. Why else would I be there?

But now that tiny little word came into sharp focus. Need. Need. I was pretty sure that I knew what the word meant. It seemed pretty elementary. Yet I decided that maybe, just in case, I would look it up in the dictionary anyway. From this moment on, I would never see that word, nor my romantic life, the same way again. This is how the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the word need:

need \'ned\ n b: a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism. 3: a condition requiring supply or relief.

I read it again. Then I read it again. And again. "Required for the well-being of the organism?" Wait just a minute! Tom and I being together was not required for my well-being! And come to think of it, neither was marriage. Neither was any romantic relationship! My well-being in no way depended upon these things. To say that would simply be ludicrous!

Yet I had been saying exactly that! In my heart, and in my subconscious, I had spent the majority of my life saying that finding my "prince" was something I needed in order to be happy and fulfilled.

From that point, the revelation came roaring in. A domino effect of truth dawning upon truth, dawning upon truth. The differences between wants, and needs.

Biologically, there are only three basic needs we as organisms have. These are oxygen, water, and food. There are, of course, lesser needs for shelter and clothing to a certain degree, and some evidence of sleep deprivation causing death, but for our purposes, let's just say there are three. Three that no matter what other conditions are present, are absolutely "required for our well-being."

If we are deprived of oxygen, water, and food for a long enough period of time, what happens? Obviously, we die. These organisms we call our bodies cease to function properly, and they will invariably stop living.

Now, regardless of which of these needs is being withheld, the resulting deaths are anything but pleasant. The quickest of the deaths is when the body lacks oxygen. I have read that after about six minutes, the brain begins to die. I guess as deaths go, six minutes is on the mercifully fast side, although would most certainly feel like an eternity to the one being asphyxiated. If you've ever been deprived of air for even a half second longer than you think you can go, you know all too well the utter panic that builds, as your lungs begin to burn and alert your brain that they are in severe peril. The thought of dying this way is certainly terrifying.

Dehydrating would be the next in line for speed, taking anywhere from ten to fourteen days and is, in every way, more agonizing. As the human body dries out, the person experiences cracked skin, tongue and lips. Bloody noses are also a common occurrence as the mucous membranes dry out. The body has seizures as electrolyte imbalance fails to regulate the organs, and often vomiting takes place due to the stomach lining drying out. It is an incredibly painful and all too prolonged way to die. Again, the thought of experiencing this kind of death is cause for any normal person to give a slight shudder.

Starvation is the slowest form of death due to deprivation of the human body's needs. This torturous process takes several weeks, and happens in stages.

Initially, the body only experiences the gnawing feeling of hunger. There is little actual weight loss, because the body is adjusting to the lack of nutrients coming in, and tries to compensate for the lack.

The next stage, however, brings on weakness and continued feelings of hunger. There is still only minimal weight loss, as the body tries to slow down the metabolism in order to conserve energy stores. The first two stages combined last approximately three weeks.

Afterward, as the body begins burning its fat reserves for energy, the feelings of hunger actually cease. The person now feels weakness during any physical exertion. The body continues to burn all of its fat reserves, and once they are gone, it burns waste reserves. It is during this stage that rapid weight loss occurs. A person experiencing this stage will often feel cold, tired and hungry. They can have dizzy spells, ringing in the ears, visual disturbances, tingling and numbing of their extremities, all manner of body aches, insomnia, alopecia, and dry and thinning skin.

By the last stage, the body has run out of fat and waste, and initiates the burning of healthy tissue for energy. Therefore, it is now that the weight loss will show it's true face, turning the person into a veritable skeleton, leaving only skin, bone, and internal organs.

In the lack of any other energy fuel, the organs themselves begin to shut down, and the sweet relief of death soon follows.

One of the most interesting physiological effects of starvation is the shrinking of the human heart. In some subjects, the heart has been observed to shrink to approximately half of its normal size.

As I sat there pondering what the Lord was showing me, I realized again with stunned disbelief that I had begun to think of my relationship with Tom, and ultimately of marriage in my life, as a need. On a subconscious, but all too real level, I thought I needed Tom and needed marriage, in the same way that I physically needed air, water, and oxygen.

I began to recognize the incredible familiarity with which I viewed the above mentioned deaths. I felt I knew them, as though they were longtime companions. If, indeed, marriage had been a need in my life, then what would be happening to me if I was single? I would die. I would literally die. If it truly were a need, and that need was not relieved, it would result in my death.

So what happens when I simply perceive something to be a need, and I am deprived of that something? I perceive that I am dying. And as in the case of asphyxiation, dehydration, and starvation, it is an excruciating death. It is one that feels like panic, feels like my spirit drying and cracking and bleeding, my internal organs consuming themselves until I am nothing but a husk, and my heart shrinking to half of its normal size.

I was aghast. I'm sure I sat with my mouth agape, so startling was this disclosure. No wonder I felt like I did. No wonder I had been sinking into pain and agony the previous two months. No wonder my body was wasting away, and my eyes were hollow, and the burning in my stomach was so fierce it could double me over.

Without any restraint, I was wholeheartedly laboring under the impression that I was psychologically dying a gruesome, painful, terrifying death.

The death of singleness.

And the Lord was finally getting through to me that it was all a lie. I was absolutely not dying. It had all been a terrible dream. Like a nightmare I had been living since I was a young girl.

And He was now gently rousing me, giving me a loving and feather-light touch on the shoulder, speaking in His most soothing, early morning voice:

"Wake up, daughter. I have better things for you. Let's go now, and start living the truth."

Don't miss chapters one, two, three and four of A Doxology in Darkness.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am and is filed under Christianity, Dating, Death, God, Healing, Jesus, Loss, Need, Pain, Prayer, Religion and Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.