Embrace
Renée Altson January 30th, 2012
This is my first Steve Brown Etc. blog post for the year 2012. With so much going on in many different facets of life and culture, it is almost easy for me to forget how new 2012 really is.
I don’t make new year’s resolutions anymore. After decades of broken promises and disappointed efforts, I started picking a new year’s word to remember and operate from for 12 months. I’ve had some interesting words since starting this, but I never make the conscious choice–the word always comes to me.
One year I was surprised by the word “Genesis.” I saw the theme of “beginning” played out throughout that year in countless ways, and because I was tuned in to the concept, I found a lot of connections that might have otherwise gone unnoticed.
This year my word was slow to emerge, but when it did, I was flabbergasted.
Embrace.
Uh, really?? I questioned the air. Embrace is kind of a lame old-fashioned way of saying “hug” — right? After going through my local dictionary, I found the usual meaning I had expected: to hold or clasp with the arms in affection. I also found some other definitions, but nothing that really stood out as important enough to be my New Year’s word.
Then I heard the still small voice.
“embrace your life”
I started to feel uncomfortable. There is much that is hanging out beyond my reach; dark and scary and pushed away out of my own necessity. It is some of the ugly stuff of life; certainly terrifying, and definitely not embraceable.
I spend a lot of time wishing I was someone else. I wonder what a different existence would look like; what I could be if I had pursued more of my dreams.
“embrace your journey”
My journey?? Well, I have no more journey, I protested. It was chronicled in a book, and then left there.
I knew this was not true. I know that much of my journey has continued after Stumbling Toward Faith. It’s just that I’m afraid of angering people or discouraging people — the journey I’ve been on could be considered heretical or blasphemous.
I worry about that. I worry about people reading my book, and then freezing me as that same person. It’s been eight years since it was written. Things do change, and our journeys do continue.
“embrace yourself”
I snorted. I am often disrespectful and unkind to myself. Care for myself is difficult; why would affection be any easier?
“embrace the now”
This is when I started thinking that this word was doable. I have been studying mindfulness and attending to the present for several years, and I’ve become rather good at it. I am able to stop a situation in the midst of itself, reflect on how/what I can do, and often talk myself through any existing anxiety or frustration. I’m not perfect, and too many times I find that I choose to engage in the negative things rather than momentarily step outside of them.
But dealing with a moment at a time (or even a day) is a good way of being aware–aware to your own self, and to others.
It’s been only a month since the word embrace came to me, but I am discovering chances to live differently as a result. I am a fighter–I am stubborn–and don’t give in easily. Sometimes, trying to embrace feels unbelievably selfish. Sometimes “the now” is so screwed up I can’t even choose it through my feelings of overwhelm, anger, and despair. I grew up learning that I had to push things away in order to survive. I had to fragment things, make divisions; do anything I could just to keep going.
Now I am trying to live at the other end of the spectrum. Now I am acknowledging that there is another way to live, and that this kind of life includes coming close to things I’d rather push away. It’s connective, this embracing, and it involves ruthless trust.
Renée Altson is the author of Stumbling Toward Faith, a photographer, and a web developer. She lives with her husband, daughter, and 2 cats in Southern California. Click here to listen to Renée on Steve Brown Etc.
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