Comedy Bits & Pieces

The State of the Union - 2010

Erik Guzman — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:50:24 +0000

One in ten Americans are out of work, businesses are closing left and right, and after a year in office President Obama still hasn't ushered in world peace. If you ask this American, change hasn't come fast enough.

(If you're on the front page of the site, click "Read More" to see audio player options.)

And so, it was with eager anticipation that I watched Obama's first official State of the Union address this week. If you were too busy looking for a job to watch, I posted the audio highlights of the speech below. You'll be happy to hear that President Obama has things under control. Listen to find out what the next decade holds for our way of life.

Also, don't miss my favorite State of the Union address from our last fearless leader.

The Lost Nixon Tapes

Matthew — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:43:50 +0000

When it comes to presidential controversy, Clinton is the Barry Bonds to Nixon's Hank Aaron. Sure, Clinton may have bested Nixon on paper, but in our hearts, no one could ever replace Tricky Dick. Truly, there will never be another Nixon (to kick around).

That's why we're so jazzed that the National Archives has just released a whole new batch of Nixon recordings. And if you thought you knew the man before, brother, take a listen. You don't know the half of it.

NoSpineItol

Erik Guzman — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:06:02 +0000

After heated campaigns filled with tough talk and big promises, the freshman class of the next Congress converged on the Capitol yesterday. The 50-odd freshmen in the House and eight in the Senate were in Washington for sessions on the minutiae of being a member of Congress.

(If you're on the front page of the site, click "Read More" to see audio player options.)

They learned all about how to hire a staff and set up an office, how to conform to ethics rules and what to do in a security situation…that kind of thing. They also received free samples of this fine sponsor's product. Use one of the options below to hear this important message.

Levote-tra

Erik Guzman — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 06:13:19 +0000

Election day is here and our country is at a turning point in history. Now more than ever, it's very important that we're politically involved. Still, many of us don't have the enthusiasm for voting we once did.

That's why we here at SBE are proud to introduce you to this important sponsor.

(If you're on the front page of the site, click "Read More" to see audio player options.)

The PETA Files

Erik Guzman — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:18:39 +0000

As we reported this weekend, the recent horrific cannibalistic attack on a Greyhound bus in Canada has prompted a newspaper ad response from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

What, you may ask, does the tragic beheading of an innocent 22-year-old man have to do with animal rights?

Here's a quote from the PETA press release regarding their ad:

While it isn't every day that a human is violently attacked and eaten by another human, it's worth noting that it is the norm for many people not to give any thought to the fact that restaurants are serving flesh that comes from innocents who were minding their own business before someone came after them with a knife. How amazingly and conveniently compartmentalized the human mind is…

The human mind is indeed baffling to me, but for reasons that I'm sure would be lost on the good folks at PETA. I have to be careful here, PETA is a sponsor of SBE. Use one of the options below to listen to another one of their brilliant ads.

Celebate

Matthew — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:15:11 +0000

The good news: teens are having less pre-marital sex. The bad news: it's probably just because they're too busy taking stolen pain meds, illegally downloading music, and obsessively texting each other.

Or maybe they're having less sex because of a revolutionary new product called Celebate.

SBE Comedy Classics - Odd for God Ministries and Outfitters

Erik Guzman — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:20:26 +0000

There are deep cuts and then there's this nugget that we scraped up from the bottom of our comedy cache.

Alan Wilson from Northern Ireland contacted me via the SBE Facebook group, wanting to take a pratfall down memory lane with this classic* SBE bit about "cutting edge" ministry efforts.

Well, far be it from me to deny a faithful listener his request (or to take a wee bit o' pride in letting you know we have listeners in Northern Ireland). Here's to you, Alan! Use one of the options below to listen.

*Note: "Classic" in this context simply means "old."

Hillary Clinton "Unelectable" to the Tune of "Unforgettable"

Erik Guzman — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:22:29 +0000

She's tenacious, but the numbers just don't lie. Looks like we're coming to the end of the line for Hillary. The question is, when will she face the fact that she's…unelectable?

Use one of the options below to listen to our musical plea for her to bow out.

(If you're on the main page, click the title of this post to see player options.)

News from the Future - Extreme Makeover: New Orleans Edition

Erik Guzman — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:23:06 +0000

As I watched the season finale of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition last night, I was moved beyond words.

It wasn't because Ty and the team rebuilt homes and a church in Hurricane Katrina-ravaged Louisiana. It wasn't the stories of the heroes that emerged from the tragedy. It wasn't the coalition of homebuilders from all over the US-of-A that came together to make it all happen.

It was the fact that the Comedy Prophets have struck again!

This bit originally aired in Sept. 2005. As you'll hear, Ty's work last night is just the beginning. Use one of the options below to listen to News from the Future - Extreme Makeover: New Orleans Edition. Nostradamus, eat our dust!

Lucky Lou's Gas 'n Go and Savings and Loan

Erik Guzman — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:50:40 +0000

Amid the daily barrage of depressing economic data, I was happy to find a bright spot in the news today. Oil companies are posting record profits!

Shell's first-quarter earnings increased 25% to a record $9.1 billion. BP reported a 63% increase in profits to a whopping $7.6 billion. Chevron and Exxon Mobil are expected to post huge increases in profits later this week. Good for them.

Sure we're taking it in the wallet to the tune of $4 per gallon at the pump, but now Lucky Lou's Gas 'n Go and Savings and Loan is here to help. Use one of the options below to hear more.

News from the Future - The Rolling Stones

Erik Guzman — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:56:11 +0000

I read today that the Rolling Stones' Keith Richards is attempting to write his life story, but he's having a hard time remembering much. No joke! Here's what he said: "I can't even remember yesterday. I'm trying to put together an autobiography and it's coming along."

Richards' previous drug use is legendary and he recently admitted that he still smokes pot, saying, "I smoke my head off. I smoke weed all the damn time…and I've got some really good hash." But Keith says his memory problems are due to his brain surgery in 2006 and the fact that he didn't keep a diary.

Richards recently made an appearance with the rest of the Rolling Stones (all looking great) at the launch of a Martin Scorsese film that features the band.

This all raises the question: Will the Stones ever quit rolling? There's only one way to find out. Use one of the options below to hear News from the Future!

Spring Break Primer - Navigating Cancun

Erik Guzman — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:49:06 +0000

Spring break. It's that time of year again when college students from across America converge on far-flung locations for a little rest and relaxation (that's code for debauchery).

While it's too late for many, there's still hope for those that have yet to escape the watchful eye of their parents (and U.S. laws). If you or someone you know is leaving the country to get your party on, don't leave the safety of our shores without the SBE Spring Break Primer.

Listen using one of the options below.

White History Month - Hockey

Erik Guzman — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:24:56 +0000

This week marks the end of White History Month. We hope you've enjoyed our enlightening look at the contribution white people have made to today's culture.

We've explored the food and clothing of the whites, and today…sports. Use one of the options below to listen.

Until next year's celebration of White History Month, all you white people keep up the good work. You make America proud.

White History Month - The Moon Pie

Erik Guzman — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:58:56 +0000

March is White History Month and this week we're continuing our look back at the role that white people have played in shaping American culture.

Last week, we celebrated the under-appreciated contribution the whites have made to fashion. This week, food. Use one of the options below to listen.

Don't miss our final White History Month segment next week when we take a look at how white people have impacted the world of sports.

White History Month - The Gap

Erik Guzman — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:57:06 +0000

Americans have recognized black history annually since 1926, first as Negro History Week and later as Black History Month. Since then, February has marked the beginning of this yearly celebration.

However, it wasn't until March of 2007 that the whites joined the party with White History Month.

Steve Brown Etc. continues the tradition this year as we pause today (and each remaining week in the month of March) to take a look back at the contribution the white man has made to American culture.

Ralph Nader - Real American Hero

Erik Guzman — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:24:13 +0000

With voters going to the polls in four states today, the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination hangs in the balance.

Despite the Clinton vs. Obama slug fest in the primaries, they really do have a lot in common. One thing on which they agree is that Ralph Nader's fourth bid for the White House could hurt the Democratic nominee's chances in November.

Well, for that reason alone, I think conservatives across our great country will cheer me as I say, "Go Ralph! You're a real American hero." Use one of the options below to listen as we salute Nader.

Les Pantalon de l'Homme

Erik Guzman — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 14:43:13 +0000

I went to bed early and missed the 80th Academy Awards last night. Honestly, I just didn't care. I've been much more emotionally invested in years past, but this time there weren't any movies or actors I was really rooting for.

It's not like last year when my favorite foreign film of all time, Les Pantalon de l'Homme was in the running. What a masterpiece! It deserved all 6 of the Oscars it was awarded. Now that was a magical night.

Where have all the risk takers and bold trailblazers gone? What happened to the days when film gave voice to the voiceless? Does anyone remember art? Use one of the options below to listen and remember with me. I love you Gérard Depardieu!

Politician's Promise

Erik Guzman — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:22:11 +0000

Politicians throw promises around in election years like Frisbees.

No one will soon forget this one from George H.W. Bush, "Read my lips: No new taxes." Or how about Bill Clinton's promised middle class tax cut in 1992, or Nixon's 1968 pledge to quickly end the Vietnam War? Not to mention George W. Bush's promise in 2000 that the military wouldn't be used for nation building.

I'm sure 2008 will prove to be no different. Let's face it, promises are the soil out of which a presidential campaign grows…well…maybe not the soil, but certainly the fertilizer. Use one of the options below to hear from one of our sponsors that's making the most out of this crappy situation.

eHormoney.com

Erik Guzman — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:16:53 +0000

Valentine's Day is just a couple days away, that wonderful time on the calendar set aside to celebrate love and those closest to us.

However, for many it's a painful reminder that they don't have a mate.

For faithful Christian singles saving themselves for marriage, the situation is doubly painful…if not triply or even sextuply painful.

If you're one of those Godly people, please allow me to introduce you to eHormoney.com. eHormoney.com is the Biblical online way to find that special someone (or someones). Listen using one of the options below.

McCain Campaign Song

Erik Guzman — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:05:31 +0000

After a strong showing in New Hampshire, John McCain lost Michigan to Mitt Romney last night. Now it's off to South Carolina for the primary there.

McCain told supporters in Charleston, “For a minute there in New Hampshire, I thought this campaign might be getting easier, but you know what? We’ve gotten pretty good at doing things the hard way, and I think we’ve shown them, we don’t mind a fight.”

You tell 'em Big Mac! It's that scrappy, never give up, never surrender attitude that I love about you. That, and the fact that you have the coolest campaign song ever.

Listen using one of the options below.

The State of the Union

Erik Guzman — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 18:49:27 +0000

At the end of this month, George W. Bush will deliver his final State of the Union address. For some, it will be the welcome end of an era. For others, simply another opportunity to wince at our President's lack of command of the English language.

However, for me, it will be a bittersweet event. It has become somewhat of a yearly tradition for me to grab the audio the morning after the speech and do some creative editing. Bush never failed to provide choice material to work with. We made a good team. It will be sad to see him go.

As we prepare for this year's address (and subsequent chop-job), I thought it would be good to take a look back at one of our finer moments. Listen via the options below.

American Justice Mission

Erik Guzman — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:27:38 +0000

The end of 2007 is upon us. Time is running out for you to make a donation to a worthy cause and have it count as a tax deduction for this year. As people of faith, we really should be known for our generosity and concern for making the world a better place.

You've probably heard of the International Justice Mission. If not, they're making a global impact through their effort to end slavery and injustice.

Well, in case you haven't noticed, there's injustice in America too. Here's a word from another group doing a fine work right here at home. Listen via one of the options below, and then consider giving today.

The Believer Receiver

Erik Guzman — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:57:09 +0000

Attention holiday shoppers, Wal-Mart has sold out of the Talking Jesus Messenger of Faith doll.

On top of that, the company that created the 12-inch miracle of modern merchandising, One2Believe, says there won't be a second coming as they won't be able to restock the shelves before Christmas.

Sorry, looks like being nice didn't pay off this year either.

I know that many of you are now left wondering what to get for that Christian who has everything. Well, SBE to the rescue (again). Listen to this brief word from one of our sponsors.

Merry Xmas!

Erik Guzman — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:10:12 +0000

The other old white guy, Santa Claus himself, stopped by our studios to record a Christmas greeting on behalf of everyone here at SBE. While we appreciate him taking time out of a very busy schedule, a few of St. Nick's "friends" came over and things got a little out of hand.

The recorders caught the whole twisted mess and it's posted here for what it's worth.

But please be warned, while most of Santa's work is very kid friendly, this one may not be safe for little ears.

Xcitement Toys

Erik Guzman — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:21:23 +0000

The Black Friday and Cyber Monday numbers are in and it looks like the post-Thanksgiving Christmas shopping is off to a strong start, fueled by bargain hunting fervor. However, some are speculating that this year's recalls of millions of toys for lead-paint hazards and faulty design will dent toy sales, which is typically one of the hottest holiday categories.

But did you ever wonder what happens to all those dangerous toys they've pulled off the shelves? It sure would be a shame if they went to waste. Think of the hours of enjoyment lost just because children's nervous systems are particularly susceptible to toxins.

I'm sure some shoppers would think it's worth the risk if they could get a good deal. Well, SBE and our sponsor Xcitement Toys believe in the free market system. If there's a demand for these defective…ahem…I mean bargains, then it would be downright un-American and anti-Christmas to deprive you of them.

Please listen to this important message from our sponsor. You don't want to be un-AmeriChristmas do you?

Turkeys at PETA

Erik Guzman — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:14:45 +0000

Thanksgiving is almost here…that glorious day of the year that we set aside for family, friends, and expressing our gratitude to God for his many blessings.

And the food! I'm salivating just thinking about the turkey with all the fixings.

Then there's my favorite part, the leftovers. Mom's turkey soup and the turkey sandwiches. What a wonderful opportunity to test the limits of our digestive systems and tolerance for all things turkey.

Unless, of course, PETA has anything to say about it. They're going after Butterball and pressuring prosecutors to file animal cruelty charges against the company. Can you believe it? Well, not in my America! I cry FOWL!

These jokers are ruining all my fun…first betting on dogfighting and now this. Where will it stop?

Touched by a Hell's Angel

Erik Guzman — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 20:10:17 +0000

The Hollywood writers strike is still on. With late-night shows already in reruns, here's how things are looking for some prime-time shows you may like.

House has 6 episodes left, while Grey's Anatomy has only 4 more. Desperate Housewives goes down on December 2. Heroes takes to the air for the last time on December 3. The Office goes to reruns after next week, but Family Guy will be new through November. 24 was supposed to come back in January, but it's been postponed indefinitely.

It's looking pretty bleak. But never fear, the SBE writers are here. Hey Hollywood, those other writers are suckers. Check out our family friendly (yet edgy) program ideas. Last week we brought you Little Crack House on the Prairie. This week, a new twist on an old favorite.

Little Crack House on the Prairie

Erik Guzman — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 14:33:20 +0000

The first Hollywood writers strike in almost 20 years started this week, and the late-night talk shows are already being forced into reruns.

Producers of prime-time TV shows have stockpiled enough scripts to last until early next year.

However, with no new negotiations in sight, the writers here at SBE feel that our time has come. We have scads of family friendly (yet edgy) TV program ideas. Plus…we work cheap.

So Hollywood, lift up your studio heads for your salvation draweth nigh. I present to you the next big hit of 2008! Little Crack House on the Prairie.

Christian Vampires

Erik Guzman — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:16:53 +0000

When famed gothic novelist, Anne Rice (best known for her Vampire Chronicles), returned to the faith of her childhood and dedicated her future work to Jesus, she subsequently published Christ the Lord, Out of Egypt and we quickly booked her as a guest on the show.

We also produced a comedy bit that took some shots at the fact that we booked her as a guest on the show.

This is that bit.

While not bad…it does suck. But, with Halloween upon us, you may be in the mood for something weird.

Lil' Puffers Cigarettes

Erik Guzman — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 17:16:48 +0000

Alright… confession time. The financial situation is pretty bad here at SBE. Quality advertisers aren't knocking down the door, and we're not sure how long we can go on like this. The temptation to fold and sell ads to less than desirable clients has been strong.

It's times like these that test an organization's moral resolve.

With that being said, please allow me the great pleasure of introducing you to our new sponsor, Lil' Puffers Cigarettes.