A Doxology in Darkness - Chapter 6 - Starving

Sharon July 25th, 2008

If you're just joining me and my story, here are chapters one, two, three, four and five of A Doxology in Darkness.

After this startling awakening, I began to recall various singles groups I had attended in my life. A couple had been great: healthy people, truly there with no agenda but to meet with others in their same social bracket, which was single. These people were not there to find their mate necessarily, but really just to make friends and interact. For these people, if it just so happened that their future mate was also in attendance, so be it. On with God’s plan.

Unfortunately, much as I hate to say it, the majority of these groups were quite different.

I questioned what it was that was somehow “off” at many of these groups, and began to notice a familiar pattern emerging: There was often a general feeling of desperation hovering over such gatherings. Almost palpable, you could very nearly reach up and touch it as it settled over you.

Often there were a sea of faces, many of whom on a spiritual level seemed to have the gaunt eyes and sallow skin of the concentration camp victims pictured in so many books. More than a handful of times, these events were advertised in the most tantalizing and joyful terms, almost as if they were trying too hard to cover up the loneliness and sadness.

I seem to recall the same types of fliers used in nursing homes to invite people to their heartening activities. Chirping out announcements for the “Spring Flower Arranging Festival” in the activity room. Usually adding toward the bottom the fact that “Games, cookies, and punch will be served!” These are, of course, presented by entirely well meaning people, trying to turn a situation which may be less than ideal into something fun, bright, exciting, and most of all, hopeful.

However, the very effort involved in generating excitement for singles belies the fact that hope is exactly what is missing. And for many, the reason hope is missing, is because the hope is misplaced!

Too many singles are hoping to not be single anymore! Their hope lies in going to that one final singles meeting. That one final bowling night, or Thanksgiving social, where they will look across the room and lay eyes upon their future spouse. Their hope lies in NOT being part of the singles group anymore. And why is it such a burden to be single? Because to so many like myself, singleness feels like they are dying.

One of the most fascinating things I learned about physical starvation is the psychological ramification of it. In 1950, Ancel Keys and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota conducted a test on the effects of semi-starvation in the human body. The findings were quite incredible, even after the “re-feeding” phase of the experiment had already begun.

The following are excerpts from a book written by David M. Garner, Ph.D., on the subject of this “Starvation Study,” as it became commonly known:

One of the most striking changes that occurred in the volunteers was a dramatic increase in food preoccupations. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, because they became plagued by incessant thoughts of food and eating. During the semistarvation phase of the experiment, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams… As starvation progressed, the number of men who toyed with their food increased. They made what under normal conditions would be weird and distasteful concoctions, (p. 832). . . Those who ate in the common dining room smuggled out bits of food and consumed them on their bunks in a long-drawn-out ritual, (p. 833). . . Toward the end of starvation some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours after a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes, (p. 833). . . Cookbooks, menus, and information bulletins on food production became intensely interesting to many of the men who previously had little or no interest in dietetics or agriculture, (p. 833). The volunteers often reported that they got a vivid vicarious pleasure from watching other persons eat or from just smelling food. (p. 834)

In addition to cookbooks and collecting recipes, some of the men even began collecting coffeepots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils. According to the original report, hoarding even extended to non-food-related items such as "old books, unnecessary second-hand clothes, knick knacks, and other 'junk.’ Often after making such purchases, which could be afforded only with sacrifice, the men would be puzzled as to why they had bought such more or less useless articles" (p. 837). One man even began rummaging through garbage cans…Despite little interest in culinary matters prior to the experiment, almost 40% of the men mentioned cooking as part of their postexperiment plans. For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment; three became chefs, and one went into agriculture!

The Minnesota subjects were often caught between conflicting desires to gulp their food down ravenously and consume it slowly so that the taste and odor of each morsel would be fully appreciated. . .they did much planning as to how they would handle their day's allotment of food.

This intrigued me. How analogous are these types of reactions to the behaviors commonly seen in people who are unhappily single? If indeed the person feels that he or she is dying of starvation for a spouse, the psyche may begin do almost anything to fill that need before perceived death occurs.

A preoccupation with finding a mate begins. Slowly, insidiously, it starts to consume the person’s thoughts. Soon thereafter, these thoughts might be looming at the forefront of every decision he or she makes. It may move into such a place of honor in the heart, that it stands taller than any other aspect of life, being goal number one, or at the very least something to be hunted down and strived for. If the belief prevails that marriage is a need, and the need is perceived as not being met, it may quite easily become a launching pad for unhealthy patterns and habits in any single’s life.

Like the semi-starved men in the study, single people who feel that marriage is a need may begin to have their “spouse radar” on AT ALL TIMES. Perhaps they are unable to leave their house at all without constantly scanning all of humanity for that potential mate.

Is that him behind me and to the left in the produce aisle?

Is that my future wife at the next gas pump over?

Did “the one” just drive by in that blue car and I missed him?

Better be on my guard at every possible moment, because this could be it. This could be the day we meet.

The hunt becomes an obsession, producing a weariness and fatigue that only makes the loneliness that much more palpable. It highlights the fact that the searching is futile, making the need to find the spouse seem even more urgent. It is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Some people will even change their occupation to one that might draw a potential partner. I have seen many young people pursue the ministry with the intent of finding a spouse. Many romantic relationships take center stage when people go on mission trips, or to some spiritual retreat.

When I attended Bible College many years ago, a joke circulated that there were many young ladies there who were looking for their “M-R-S degree.” It may sound humorous, but it really is not. There is no reason that finding a marriage partner should receive that kind of focus and attention.

The only reason I dare speak with the remotest bit of authority on this subject is because to a certain degree, I have been behaving this way since I can remember. From the time I was a teenager, any time I was not in a relationship, I was hunting for the next one. I labored under the belief that I was somehow incomplete without a significant other. I firmly adopted a mind set which said I needed a mate in order to survive. And only now, at 35 years of age, was it coming into focus for me that this was an ugly lie.

Also similar, I believe, to the semi-starved men’s behaviors, is the preoccupation with sexual things for many people. Like the man that began digging in trash cans for some salvageable food items, some humans who feel they are starving to death waiting for a mate may look to find comfort in casual sexual relationships, or pornography. Bottom-feeding, throwing away their self-respect, and fragmenting their hearts, in a futile attempt to stave off hunger just a little bit longer.

Even if the searching is not overtly sexual, even serial dating can be empty and time consuming, just trying to muddle through and prevent being alone. What these single people do not realize is that while they are head down deep in that dumpster, rooting around for trash and scraps, the true and nutritious meal is nowhere near that location. If they will finally pull their heads out of there, they will see that the Lord is standing jealously by, waiting patiently for them to stand up and run to Him for their sustenance.

Needless to say, all of this revelation blew my mind. I experienced a sense of freedom unlike any other. To know that marriage is not a need. Not only that, to know that romantic relationships of any kind are not a need. Sure, they may be wants, and are even healthy desires when put in their proper place. But what I really need in my soul, unwaveringly, is Jesus. He is truly all I need.

Without Him, I do walk around in death. But with Him, I am fed, and have water, and the purest oxygen imaginable. I am not dying. Far from it! Once I have placed Him in His proper place in my heart and life, and refrained from elevating these other wants to needs, I will experience the abundant life He has always promised. I will feel I am living instead of dieing, no matter what my marital status.

Sadly, I do not believe this happens only with romance and marriage. It seems that humans can do this with absolutely anything. We can place our family in the need category. We can also put our occupation there. Ministry has often been set up as a need, and I’ve even seen people place their pastors there. Possessions and money can most definitely be there.

Once we have placed these things there, and have elevated them to needs, then what happens if we lose them? What happens if we lose a loved one to severe illness? Or we lose that career we so desperately cling to? What happens if our ministry falls apart because of a church split, or our pastor falls into some tragic scandal? The very same thing: We feel we are dying.

We begin to feel choked and panicked, as if there is a lack of breathable air in our spirits. We sense our soul feeling dry and cracked and parched, as though we have nothing left to give, and cannot crawl another foot in the blistering sand. And we begin to feel our heart shrink down to half its size, becoming withdrawn and weak, not having the ability to reach out to anyone, or even manage to love those around us. We lose all taste for life, and become instead completely preoccupied with the loss. We begin to think only about the absence of the thing we needed, and walk around day by day forsaking all else, having been transformed into the living dead.

Please do not hear me saying that these things are not great losses. Some, as the loss of a loved one, are incomprehensible to anyone but the person left behind. They are most certainly immense, and should be grieved accordingly. But when people descend into an abyss of darkness after a loss, and do not come back out in a healthy period of time, the reality may be that they did place these people or things in a category rivaling God’s place in their hearts. They may indeed feel that they have just lost the very thing which was necessary for their well-being.

The truth is, God blesses us with these people or things in our lives. They are gifts to us. He has placed family members in our lives, possibly given us our dream homes or jobs, or perhaps even placed a flock under our pastoral care. But they are not needs. We do not need them for the well-being of our souls. We cherish them, yes. And we are grateful when He allows us to experience them here on earth, of course. But they are not needed for our spiritual survival. Only God is that to us. And once only He is there, we can experience losses or desires in a healthy and manageable way, gleaning His strength and power through them always.

Easier said than done? Absolutely.

Impossible? Never.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is our needs. For we WILL die without Him. Even eternally.

But with Him, we have life, and that life more abundantly.

No exaggeration.

No lie.

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This entry was posted on Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Christianity, Dating, Death, God, Healing, Jesus, Loss, Need, Pain, Prayer, Religion and Spirituality, Starvation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.